Trouble Pooping? Stats on Pooping!

In Australia, the 5 main indications that a manual poop extraction will be required are;

  1. Previous trouble pooing.
  2. Taking too pooping 'n' tooting LONG to take a poo / Having a LARGE poo.
  3. Having a poo thats got somehow turned around and is passing out slowly and painfully.
  4. Your poo is in distress and is falling to bits. Little bits are plopping out accompanied by runny splats.
  5. You can't be bothered going through the challenge of pooping. Manual removal sounds easier to you!

According to the data collected, about 30 percent of Australians will need to report to their local hospital for a manual poop extraction. This is not all however, there is more data indicating that other pooping assistance is required such as;

  1. Pain relief to poop out of the poop hole.
  2. Coached pooping - being told when, where and how to poop.
  3. Poopistomy - a small incision in the anus to allow your poop to come out.
  4. Poopidural - Why be a matyr? Get your poopidural today and have a poop without FEELING A THING! (don't bother reading the small print of the adverse effects on you and your poop because lots of people get poopidurals and they're safe!)
  5. AROP - artificial rupture of poop.
  6. Laxative aid - wonderful drugs to force that pesky poo to come out quick smart. So what if its not all whole?

Combined data on assisted pooping and manual poop extraction shows that a tiny percentage of people are able to poop without assistance. This figure is around 20-30 percent depending on where you are. Therefore the act of pooping is fraught with risks.

So how many times a week do you have a poop? You've only got a 30 percent chance at most to pull this off! Can you do it? Are you confident? What if it doesn't come out fast enough? What if there is a problem? Maybe you should be better off visiting your local hospital after all to use their lavatory.


Childhood Works

Siobhan's Glass (short story)

Noises of Silent Worlds (poetry)

Membrane Drum Mosiac (poetry)

The Sunroom (short story)

Adult Works

Breaking Free (short story)

Coil (poetry)

Trouble Pooping? (birth satire)

Wyld Womyn (column)

Explict Prose & Poetry

copyright © Lisa Morgan 2007-2012